22nd day in rehab (old deer, beads and yet more wheelchair woes and self-indulgent emotional ramblings)

Beautifully sunny day today but a brisk sea breeze.
Up and dressed pretty early and I was laid on a yoga mat ready to watch the marathon. If they can run 26 miles I can do all of my physio!
So after an hour or so of intermittent Physiotherapy I got myself back on the bed to check Facebook and email etc, the signal seemed even worse than normal so I headed outside to try and get enough signal to get my work done.
I failed on the internet front but I did finally see the little Muntjack deer! Right in the garden with me and as I always do I had my camera with me! . . .
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After getting back indoors and opening all the windows I settled down to to do some beading.

This is a bracelet made of black cotton cord and beautifully glossy hematite beads.
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When lunch time came again I challenged myself to walk to the conservatory on crutches again. This time without a break. I was knackered and tired but I did it. After a pleasant roast dinner in the conservatory I headed back to my room to chill and soon after Mum and granny arrived for afternoon visiting hours. We went out for a walk around the block and then sat in the garden for a bit and watched the birds. After heading indoors as the midges arrived to feast on Mum and the evening chill arrived we ended up being a bit silly.. My phone has a setting on the camera for kaleidoscope…
We got a bit caried away…

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Anyway, Mum and granny headed home and I had tea while watching Mirror Mirror, it’s a Snow white remake and it’s pretty good! In the last advert break before the inevitable happy ending, I hopped into my chair to pop to the loo… Only to hear the kind of crunch that signifies something breaking.
Earlier while out on our walk the front right caster/wheel has been a nit creaky and fluttery but I’d put that down to the unnecessarily sloped roads around the hospital and my paranoia about breaking my beautiful new chair. Well it turns out I wasn’t paranoid.

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That’s right my 6 day old Quickie Helium is broken already. I knew it wasn’t going to have an easy life, I’m an active user but this is just taking the piss.

(if you wish to avoid reading overly emotional ramblings and even more blogging about crying then please stop reading here and skip to the end)

I cried, I cried a lot.
Physically it’s just a very pretty heap of metal and upholstery but emotionally it is my independence and it marked a big step in my rehab and my life in general, things were moving on, and moving faster with New shiny wheels. Mary J (wheelchair) is now unusable and I had emotional breakdown. I couldn’t cope anymore with being dependent on people and objects, especially when the people/things I’m dependent on break themselves in the process! so I was right back to crawling to the bathroom or asking for help to pee again. I’ve worked my ass off for 6 weeks so that I don’t have to do either of those things. Then there I was again on the bathroom floor because one small piece of Wheelchair failed.
At that moment in time I was not the ‘inspirational positive person’ you keep telling me I am (thanks by the way) I was a sobbing mess on a bathroom floor in a hospital full of old people. I even got so desperate as to actually ask the universe for a break, just for one thing to go well, I asked God, or Angels or aliens or Karma Chameleon or the devil or dragons whoever the hell is in charge to just leave me alone for a while. After some more sobbing where I let out all of the anger an frustration I thought I’d already dealt with I pulled myself back together a bit, dried my tears and crawled back to bed. Where I knocked over and smashed a mirror. Well fuck.

It’s like the bit in Forrest Gump where he just starts running. I just wanted to check out of the whole situation and escape…except my means of escape was broken. So I became one of those people who has a breakdown on Facebook purely to get sympathy and let off steam…And I’m so glad I did, I’ve never felt so loved while being on my own in a hospital room. I was reminded of the amazing people I have in my life, especially those who make the effort to cheer me up when we’ve never even met! And those who’ve stuck with me through my total change of lifestyle from school to now. I’m very lucky to have you all. If any of you ever have a crisis I hope I can repay the favour. (I also hope you never have a crisis)
Tomorrow I’ll wake up earlier than I’d like (again) eat breakfast off a tray (again) struggle my way through physio (again) then phone up the company who supplied my chair and probably end up crying on the phone …
(again)

Good night folks and thank you.

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2 thoughts on “22nd day in rehab (old deer, beads and yet more wheelchair woes and self-indulgent emotional ramblings)

  1. You have every right to cry sweetie. More than most. You face so much with such a brilliant attitude but it’s hard being like that all the time. Just expecting to keep taking everything on the chin when more and more falls apart, especiallt after all the effort you are making to help yourself. The world does owe us a break you’re right! But sometimes we need to give ourselves a break too and cry and kick and scream and then tell ourselves that it’s also okay to do that. It’s human. It’s healthy and boy do we whinge less than many healthy folk.

    But look you already have your action plan to keep moving forward. And if that means crying over the phone, cry. Let them know they’re responsible or irresponsible in this case. Then get out your beads and sparkly things and create some beautiful pieces. Bead therapy!

    Go Super Jo! Xx

    1. Thank you so much and you are totally right. I’m feeling a lot more positive after yesterday’s crying but I’m in a lot of physical pain. I’ll get there I’ll have breakfast then start calling people! Xx

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